I know life’s misunderstandings and problems are not all caused by a lack of effective communication, but that sure doesn’t help when relationships are strained, topics are controversial, and tempers are heated. From our interpersonal interactions to conversations held on the national and international stage, as emotions get more fraught, communication suffers.
We seem to forget how to find words that are easier to hear. We seem to forget to modulate our tone and use our voices effectively. We seem to forget how to engage in civil discourse, as opposed to shouting matches. As our mouth gets more open, our ears seem to get more closed, and our mind can shut down entirely.
And, we witness the result – ever more divided groups of people who seem to have lost the ability (and the desire) to listen, hear, interpret, and engage effectively by staying in relationship. People starting to focus their energy on only seeking out and engaging with those with whom they share opinions and points of view. Folks insulating themselves from other ideas or possibilities and isolating themselves with only the like-minded.
True relationship comes to a halt. Replaced with rigidity and fear, we lose our ability to hear or experience the new or different without an immediate negative reaction. Our lines get more defined and our tolerance narrows. Instead of reaching out, we build walls to maintain the status quo of our thinking and understanding. We may feel angry, alone, cynical, or threatened. We lose our connection to love, to acceptance, to gratitude.
Our systems of governance, our social models for life together are based on engagement and interaction – on being in relationship with others. And, while they are fraught with a range of issues (from patriarchal systems of power, to unequal access to resources, to racism, to sexism, to indifference, etc., etc.), these structures were set up to ideally engage and involve a sharing of ideas and inputs, that, informed by a variety of points of view, action could be taken that would provide the best outcome for the most people. Unfortunately, when we aren’t open to compromise, our systems grind to an uncomfortable halt where we become factionalized, territorial, and unwilling to engage with one another
with respect. What gets done is accomplished through questionable means with unequal and ineffective outcomes.
Of course, I am expressing my viewpoint through the filter of my UU values. I believe in our Seven Principles as a framework for a better way to life in community with one another. So, when I observe a world that seems to be operated in a manner in apparent disharmony with my values, I have to make some choices.
A luminary of our Unitarian past, Francis David, once said that we need not think alike to love alike. If we are to make this true, we must commit ourselves to remaining willing to listen and stay in relationship, even when we disagree, when situations are emotionally charged. We must agree to share a covenant of how we will be with one another, and we must strive to structure our interactions within those covenantal provisions. We must confront our emotional reactions, face our fears, consider other points of view, and be willing to change our minds to find compromises and outcomes that serve the needs of the many, not the few.
And, if that weren’t enough…we must be willing to own up to our failures and shortcomings. We have to be willing to ask for forgiveness and say we are sorry when we fall short of our covenant. We must open our hearts in love when others breach the covenant and work together toward re-establishing our relationships when they have been strained.
Being able to communicate with one another is critical to being in community, to living our values as Unitarian Universalists. But it isn’t easy! We must build our self-awareness of our communication skills and challenges, and work to improve our interactions by understanding different communication styles, mastering our reactions and considering our actions, and holding space for different perspectives, ideas, experiences, and ways of being. That’s a tall order. Thank goodness we have one another, here in community, to help us and accompany us on this journey.
Love and light,
Victoria